First let me say, I am not going to write about everyday of my life or even about every event of my life over the past 20 years. But I do want to tell you enough so that you know what and Who has made me what I am today!
When Meghan was about 6 weeks old we were at lunch with Paul’s mom and dad. I remember standing in the restaurant and having this overwhelming feeling come over me. I couldn’t catch my breath. I thought I was going to pass out. I just remember feeling like I had to get out of that restaurant almost like a claustrophobic feeling. I went to the bathroom and tried to get myself together. I had no idea what was happening to me. It happened to several times after that. It happened in church one Wednesday night and I remember sitting in the pew thinking I was going to die right there in church and I knew I was unsaved and I was going to hell. I found out that I was suffering from severe panic attacks. They began to come more often. You have to remember I was still only 18 at this time. I had a brand new baby, a new husband and a new family. It was all very overwhelming. Paul’s family lived about 30 minutes from us, so I was alone a lot. All of the friends I had were near his dad’s church which was a good 30 or 40 minute drive for me. I felt very alone! Things then began to get worse. One Wednesday night I was on my way to church (I had gotten saved by this point, so going to church was a new normal in our routine) I looked back in the back seat and Meghan was having a seizure I had no idea what was happening. Long story, but I pulled over ran into a house (of someone we knew) and they called 911. It turned out to be nothing serious, a febrile seizure. Her fever spiked high and quick which is what caused it. But after that I was completely freaked out to be alone with her. I was scared to drive after that. I was pretty much scared of everything. Being a young Christian at the time I don’t think I knew how I really needed to trust God and to pray for strength from Him. I only knew to be scared. From that time on I was alone very little. You wouldn’t believe me if I told you all that I did to keep from being alone. If I told you everything you would think I was completely crazy. But to make a LONG story short…..Paul ended up losing his job because I had a panic attack every time I was alone. I was scared to be with anyone but him. After Paul lost his job we moved back to WV. Meghan was about a year old. I had to get somewhere where there were friends and family close enough to help me when I was alone. Was running the right thing to do? Probably not! Should I have learned to trust Jesus and lean on Him? ABSOLUTELY! But you know what they say about hindsight! I lost about 30lbs. because the fear and panic kept me from eating. I go back and look at pictures of this time and I didn’t realize how bad I looked. My family was convinced I was developing and eating disorder. I completely quit driving for about 3 years. It was horrible to be completely dependent on other people all of the time. The bad part happened over about a period of 2- 2 ½ years. I was with a friend one night and had a massive panic attack. I think I scared her to death. After that night she made me a notebook of verses to read when I started to get worried and panic. One verse that has stuck with me since that day is 2 Timothy 1:7 (KJV)”For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love and of a sound mind.” God did not create me to scared, worried and fearful all of the time! I have to remember that thought frequently even to this day! You may ask how did I beat it? How did I get past it? How do I function normally now? The answer is I’m not sure. I know there were people praying for me. I grew more as a Christian and got into His Word more. The truth is I struggle to this day with these same problems. I still hate to be alone (but I do it). I still get claustrophobic sitting in church sometimes. Sometimes I hate to drive. I may always struggle with them. As Paul talks about in 2 Corinthians “a thorn in my flesh” this may be my thorn in the flesh. It may be my reminder that God is in control and I need to let go of my control and trust Him. 1 Peter 5:7 tells us to “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” (NIV).
Again you may be asking “why in the world is she telling us this’? And again I will answer 1. because it’s part of my story and what I believe the Lord would have me to tell. And 2. someone who may read this may struggle with some of these same things and if I can help one person through this story or point one person to Jesus because of this then it will have been worth it!
This is only a SMALL portion of this part of my life. If you have any other questions about it or struggle with anything like this. Please ask me your questions! I will help in ANY way I can! Let me leave you with this quote I read today (next time you are panicking or worrying or fearful)…..”
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