Worthless Idols

“Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs.”~Jonah 2:8 (NIV)

I first time I REALLY heard this verse was at a women’s simulcast in April. I’ve read Jonah before. I mean we all know the story of Jonah and the Whale, but it was not until this simulcast that I REALLY heard this verse. Worthless idols! What are worthless idols? When I heard this verse and the message that followed I knew what my worthless idols were!

Let me tell you something about myself (if you don’t know it)…..I LOVE TO SHOP! I LOVE CLOTHES! I love shoes! I love purses! A shopaholic….yes! A shopping addiction…..ask my husband! I mean I would start worrying today about what I would wear tomorrow and if I had a something special coming up would any of the trillion of clothing articles I have been sufficient? Of course not! That special occasion always required something new. Have any idea what my worthless idols were? Let me tell you how God started working in my life about my worthless idols. There is a certain brand of shoes and purses I loved well I’m standing in this simulcast and the speaker talking about worthless things that we have our hands so tightly grasped onto that our knuckles are turning white from holding on so tight. She then proceeds to talk about shoes and running from God. I had my favorite pair of shoes on and I’m not kidding I felt the Holy Spirit telling me to do something stronger than I’ve ever felt Him speak to me about anything. Get rid of your shoes (you see as part of the simulcast we were collecting shoes to give to some needy in our city). I’m thinking “please Lord no! I love these shoes.” Well, that thought would not leave me. So I came home and packed up all of my shoes that were this brand and I took them to this Saturday session of the simulcast and gave them to the lady who was heading it up. I told her to take them quick before I changed my mind =)! I thought that was the end of it, so I continued on my shopping (I mean after all it was spring I did need new spring clothes, right?). But God continued to stir in my heart that there was more I needed to do. Every time I walked into my closet and saw it crammed full and looked at my shoes and saw the boxes stacked, I knew God wasn’t finished with my “cleaning out” project yet.

I got confirmation of that last weekend at a Deeper Still Women’s conference in Louisville, Ky. A group of us girls from church went and I had the privilege of having my oldest daughter Meghan with me. I was so excited for this conference. I mean Kay Arthur, Priscilla Shirer and Beth Moore in one weekend. How awesome is that?! Kay Arthur was wonderful. Beth Moore was well Beth Moore. The worship music was truly a worshipful time. And Priscilla Shirer, well…..she spoke on something that has completely changed my life. She spoke from Deuteronomy 5:12-15. It was on the Sabbath. She described the Sabbath as a day to take a break (to put a margin in your life). Now this break she spoke about was not a rest as in sitting down and resting, but taking a rest from ANYTHING that stands in the way of your relationship with Jesus. She mentioned several things that you could need a Shabbat (a rest) from and not all of them were bad things. They could be very good things that have just spiraled out of control and have made us a slave to them. My toes began to get stepped on. I thought I knew what I needed a Shabbat from, then she actually mentioned shopping. She kept mentioning specific things and I was ok with what she was saying…then she said it PURSES! NO NOT MY BELOVED PURSES!  Yep, the purses were next to go! She suggested we take a 14 minute (if it’s something you need a break from) or 14 inch Shabbat from something (if it’s a space that you need to clear clutter out of). I came home and cleaned out 14 inches (really more than 14 inches) of my closet. And yes, all of my “special” purses are gone!

Why? Why did I have to do that? Because for me I was a slave to my clothes and shoes and purses! I was giving them first place in my heart. A place that Jesus wanted deserved and should have had all along! I was using clothes to fill a void that Jesus wanted to fill (believe me I tried to justify my shopping with every excuse under the sun)! When I think of the time I wasted worrying about clothes and what I was going to wear different places it kind of makes me sick. “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.”~Matthew 6:19-20.

Worthless idols! Shabbat (a rest)! What is your worthless idol? What are you a slave to? What has taken first place in your life over Jesus? Mark 12:30 tells us to “Love the Lord your God with all of your heart and with all your soul and with all your  mind and with all of your strength.”

Before and after my 14 inch clean out!

A Spirit of Fear!

First let me say, I am not going to write about everyday of my life or even about every event of my life over the past 20 years. But I do want to tell you enough so that you know what and Who has made me what I am today!

When Meghan was about 6 weeks old we were at lunch with Paul’s mom and dad. I remember standing in the restaurant and having this overwhelming feeling come over me. I couldn’t catch my breath. I thought I was going to pass out. I just remember feeling like I had to get out of that restaurant almost like a claustrophobic feeling. I went to the bathroom and tried to get myself together. I had no idea what was happening to me. It happened to several times after that. It happened in church one Wednesday night and I remember sitting in the pew thinking I was going to die right there in church and I knew I was unsaved and I was going to hell. I found out that I was suffering from severe panic attacks. They began to come more often. You have to remember I was still only 18 at this time. I had a brand new baby, a new husband and a new family. It was all very overwhelming. Paul’s family lived about 30 minutes from us, so I was alone a lot. All of the friends I had were near his dad’s church which was a good 30 or 40 minute drive for me. I felt very alone! Things then began to get worse. One Wednesday night I was on my way to church (I had gotten saved by this point, so going to church was a new normal in our routine) I looked back in the back seat and Meghan was having a seizure I had no idea what was happening.  Long story, but I pulled over ran into a house (of someone we knew) and they called 911. It turned out to be nothing serious, a febrile seizure. Her fever spiked high and quick which is what caused it. But after that I was completely freaked out to be alone with her. I was scared to drive after that. I was pretty much scared of everything. Being a young Christian at the time I don’t think I knew how I really needed to trust God and to pray for strength from Him. I only knew to be scared. From that time on I was alone very little. You wouldn’t believe me if I told you all that I did to keep from being alone. If I told you everything you would think I was completely crazy. But to make a LONG story short…..Paul ended up losing his job because I had a panic attack every time I was alone. I was scared to be with anyone but him. After Paul lost his job we moved back to WV. Meghan was about a year old. I had to get somewhere where there were friends and family close enough to help me when I was alone. Was running the right thing to do? Probably not! Should I have learned to trust Jesus and lean on Him? ABSOLUTELY! But you know what they say about hindsight! I lost about 30lbs. because the fear and panic kept me from eating. I go back and look at pictures of this time and I didn’t realize how bad I looked. My family was convinced I was developing and eating disorder. I completely quit driving for about 3 years. It was horrible to be completely dependent on other people all of the time. The bad part happened over about a period of 2- 2 ½ years. I was with a friend one night and had a massive panic attack. I think I scared her to death. After that night she made me a notebook of verses to read when I started to get worried and panic. One verse that has stuck with me since that day is 2 Timothy 1:7 (KJV)”For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love and of a sound mind.” God did not create me to scared, worried and fearful all of the time! I have to remember that thought frequently even to this day! You may ask how did I beat it? How did I get past it? How do I function normally now? The answer is I’m not sure. I know there were people praying for me. I grew more as a Christian and got into His Word more. The truth is I struggle to this day with these same problems. I still hate to be alone (but I do it). I still get claustrophobic sitting in church sometimes. Sometimes I hate to drive. I may always struggle with them. As Paul talks about in 2 Corinthians “a thorn in my flesh” this may be my thorn in the flesh. It may be my reminder that God is in control and I need to let go of my control and trust Him. 1 Peter 5:7 tells us to “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” (NIV).

Again you may be asking “why in the world is she telling us this’? And again I will answer 1. because it’s part of my story and what I believe the Lord would have me to tell.  And 2. someone who may read this may struggle with some of these same things and if I can help one person through this story or point one person to Jesus because of this then it will have been worth it!

This is only a SMALL portion of this part of my life. If you have any other questions about it or struggle with anything like this. Please ask me your questions! I will help in ANY way I can! Let me leave you with this quote I read today (next time you are panicking or worrying or fearful)…..”Worry is a signal alerting us it is time to pray”! (Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ~Phil 4:6)